Can anyone help me?

Being in an IT consultancy company for 7 years now, i have got several forwarded emails where "Users" show off their lack of mind to customer care or call centres. I have always dreamt if i could be a real "dumb user" (What an Unusual Fantasy!!). I plan to be so much dumb, that the customer care professional who handles me, goes back to his/her friends and laughs their heart out. And finally, i do it. I think, i made this guy's day. Check it out for yourself!!

This is about a dating portal in India, where from people choose girl/boy friends or their soul-mates. I had been to one of them recently. I landed on to the payment page, and didn't feel like proceeding, after seeing the humoungous amounts for a paid membership, that too in Dollars. I shifted my attention towards other windows in my computer, the payment page remainded unattended. As, i was there in the payment page for more than 5 mins, a Customer Care Professional came by to help. The rest of the Journey is hilarious.


To maintain confidentiality, the names of the people, places and objects involved have been changed. Nonetheless, the author has given every bit of effort to keep intact, the whole charm of the conversation.



Ramy: Welcome to YourFunDate.com. I am a Live Help Operator. How may I help you today?
you: hello
Ramy: Hi
Ramy: Are you interested in Paid Membership?
you: yes, i am
you: but why am i getting the amount in dollars?
Ramy: Where are you residing?
you: india of course
you: i go around travelling a bit
Ramy: Your FunDate ID pls?

(My response is Censored to Maintain Privacy)

you: But i do not have a credit card
you: i wish to use my icici bank account to pay, is it possible?
Ramy: Do you have debit card?
you: no
you: i have an ATM card
you: i didn't change it for a debit card
you: someone told me that its risky to have one. Especially, when people are doing "Phising" and like things.
Ramy: In which city are you residing?
you: Mumbai
you: i belong to Calcutta though
you: kharagpur, to be precise
Ramy: You can make the payment in our Mumbai office
at the following address
Ramy: YourFunDate.com,
Ramy: 505, Centre Point,
Ramy: Andheri-Kurla Rd,
Ramy: Near Kohinoor Continental Hotel,
Ramy: Andheri East,
Ramy: Mumbai - 400 059.
Ramy: mumbai@YourFunDate.com
you: why cannot i pay, using the Internet?
you: say, if i can use my friends' debit card
Ramy: You can make the online payment using your credit card or debit card
you: my friend has one, can i use his?
you: i asked him today
you: he is willing to lend me for this purpose.
Ramy: Then you can make the payment through them
you: how about the dollar thing? Why is the payment showing in Dollars?
Ramy: From where are you accessing the site now?
you: my computer, offcourse!!
you: its a global support machine
Ramy: At present are you in india?
you: no
Ramy: Kindly note that the payment details will be shown in dollars if you access it from outside india
you: ah!!
you: when will it be shown in Indian rupees?
Ramy: If you access the site from india, then it will be
you: how does ur website know that i am outside India?
you: its me who told u, if i didn't tell you, how would you know?
you: first i thought, it was showing me dollars because of my overseas location. I changed it back to mumbai then
you: But, still its showing me in dollars
Ramy: Kindly note that the payment details are shown based on your IP address
you: what is my ip address?
you: God!! how do i change it now?
Ramy: Sorry! it cannot be changed
you: why do you think so?
you: i thought i can change my address anytime. Did you not change address anytime?
you: sorry, i am not quite following you
you: can you be a bit fast, i am feeling sleepy
Ramy: Sorry! the ip location will be displayed according to place from where you access the site
you: Now i am worried. I wonder, how did you get my address? How did you know which place i am accessing the site from
you: i didn't mention it anywhere in your website
you: Hello Ramy, i am having a bit of jet-lag
you: can you be a bit faster, thanks
Ramy: It will be displayed according to the location you access the site
you: did you like hack my computer to know my location information?
Ramy: Can you please be clear
you: I wish i could request you, the same
you: I am a bit confused now.
you: Can you please tell me, how to go about changing my address
you: i am sure there must be a means in the site to change the address
you: my friend did it once. He categorically mentioned it to me before.
you: Huh!! You cannot fool me with your tricks. I am Darn Sure, the address can be changed.
Ramy: Sorry! it is not possible to change it and we dont have any idea in this regard
you: god!! what kind of website is this? in icici.com site, i change my address whenever i changed place
you: and its me who always requests for an address change, they never know where i am using their website from
Ramy: You can change the residence address in the site, but your ip address details cannot be changed
you: so, who can help me change the ip address?
you: do i have to write to customer services?
Ramy: Kindly note that the ip address will be displayed according to your location
you: You have told this thing to me before, several times. Please tell me something new.
you: but there should be a way to change it right?
Ramy: Sorry! The ip address cannot be changed, as it is displayed according to the location
you: I am a bit worried now
you: I have such an address which cannot be changed
you: Thats sounds very weird to me
you: and it depends on the location, uh!!
you: what do i do now?
you: how do i pay for the membership in Indian Rupees?
Ramy: You can make the payment through your friends or relatives residing in India to make the payment in INR
you: Thats bad
you: This whole dating thing is pretty private to me. I don't want to announce it to all my friends and relatives
you: and at the same time, i need to Pay for this membership. I am getting older now
you: I need to find a girl for me
you: do i write to customer services,if they can help?
Ramy: You can also send the payment to our branch office in India
you: Through post, you mean?
Ramy: yes, you can send it through cheque, DD or MO
you: ok, great
you: One last thing
you: Can i ask you a favor?
Ramy: Yes, tell me
you: thanks
Ramy: Welcome
you: May be you are that guy, who breaks the rules just once. Can you not get my work done somehow. I mean, get me membership by paying in Indian Ruppes now?
you: I mean, my cheque will reach india after a long time, if i send through post
Ramy: Sorry!! You can ask your friends or relatives to make the payment on behalf of you
you: Know what? I have to write emails to a girl i like in your website. She is pretty cute. I fear, i might lose her
you: In these disastrous circumstances too, You seem very tough on me.
Ramy: You can upgrade your profile and contact all the interested members
you: thats what, the problem is. its taking time for me to upgrade my membership.
you: you understand, right?
Ramy: Yes, but we can only guide you in making the payment
you: ok, i will write to my relatives. Let me see, if i can get a girl friend. Its so tough to chat with someone from ur website
Ramy: Once you become a paid member you can contact all the interested members
you: Thank you for your time. If i need your help, i will write to u
Ramy: Welcome
Ramy: Thanks for using our service!!!
Ramy: Please do not hesitate to contact us at anytime. We are here 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
you: But how?
you: how do i reach you?
you: you must have an email address
you: oh, i remember now.
you: so next time, i have to wait for 5 minutes at the payment page, before i get hold of you, right?
you: and i ask for Ramy? What is your full name, again?
Ramy: You can also click on Live help at the top right side of YourFunDate.com page to chat with us
Ramy: I am Ramy
you: but I have a problem. i don't want to explain this whole scenario to anyone from scratch again
you: its cumbersome. Can you prepare something like a case-file?
Ramy: You can contact us at anytime
you: may be i will save this whole chat somewhere, and then next time i speak to any of your customer care officers, i just copy-paste it. what do say? good idea?
Ramy: You can do it
you: what is your email id? where are you chatting from now?
Ramy: Chennai, India
you: it must be quite late there
you: i am feeling very sleepy now. Are you sleepy too?
you: Chennai is a nice place. i have been there. Only Summers and Winters are not good there. And it has two rainy seasons. Rest of the year, its good out there.
you: Its very beautiful. I like ur place
you: have you been to kharagpur, i was born there. I grew up as a kid in that town.
you: its a nice place too
Ramy: Ok fine
you: Doesn't look like, that you are typing really fast. I have to say that You are very slow
you: or are you chatting with many friends at the same time?
Ramy: We are chatting with many members now
you: Oh Good. I learnt typing, 3 years back.
Ramy: Ok
you: you continue chatting with your friends. I have to go to sleep now
Ramy: Thanks for using our service!!!
you: Yeah, it was not that great though. It was of no use to me after all.
you: You have a good night
Ramy: Please do not hesitate to contact us at anytime. We are here 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
Ramy: Bye
you: yes yes. no problems. I will ask your service, if i am in problems again
you: you are very nice
Ramy: You are always welcome

CPI(M), LIES AND GANASHAKTI

June, 2003: Shakespeare Sarani, Kolkata
I kept looking on as the traffic lights toggled from red to green and back to red. Past 50 minutes, i have been stranded on the same co-ordinates, without moving much. I am in a Bus, in the heart of Kolkata. My ride was heading towards Downtown Kolkata, until we got tangled in this mess of urban traffic. Brine slided past my cheeks. These are not tears of joy, invoked by reunion with my motherland, after a year. I was sweating profusely, trying to keep up with the humidity of the "city of Joy", as Kolkata is often refered to. The sweltering heat, sticky sweat, cluttering of vehicles, the cacophony of honks took its toll on me. I cannot believe, this is where i waited for a year to be in.

With time, news started floating in, as to why this whole gamut of populace was stuck here. The revelation didn't sound new to me. The CPI(M) (The ruling Communist Party) was flouting a procession near Maidan (a Huge Parade ground in the downtown), resulting in this mayhem. Little were they considerate to have thrown the whole traffic out of order. This is not the first time, I am used to these pedestrian theatrics from my very childhood. These people have contributed incessantly towards new name of Kolkata, "Michhil Nogori" or "The city of processions".

"What Bengal thinks today, India thinks tomorrow", this bit of text in the history books made me so proud. As a teenager, I used to flaunt being a Bengali, but not any more. The ruling CPI(M) party has done nothing, but to eat up the very base of a heritageous Bengal. Unemployment, Poverty, Illiteracy has become rampant over the past decade. The voice of the Mass Media is under question. Print Media has become mouthpieces of political parties, probably that was the only survival strategy left to them.

I leaned on to the window, thinking of the Bengal my dad would have got as a heritage. I feel sorry that i cannot give my kids, a better one. The inception of politics in educational institutions can only be attributed to the CPI(M). I can still remember, how aimlessly the teenager comrades used to roam around in my school premises. I am not sure, if at that age, anyone has the maturity to understand politics and get in to it. But some of my folks were very much in to it, much like misguided missiles. I have seen my seniors leaving Bengal for a clean, hassle free living. The bureaucracy has smothered every entrepreneur causing job cuts and factory close-downs. At times, people were left with no resort, but to be a vassal to CPI(M). The situation was even worse in the countryside. People saw bread only before elections. No-one ever dared to fight a CPI(M) candidate in an election. The defaulters were outcaste and ripped off their decent living. Ah!! I am sure, so many of us have experienced this before. Someway or the Other. I am amazed to see no opposition to this pilferage. Probably we have accepted this way of living; probably, no intellect is willing to take off their blue collars to ward this dirt off.

I was lost in an abyss of Depression. I broke my trance when something soft caressed my hairs. There was this boy wrapped in old rags, selling the daily "Ganashakti" (Meaning, the strength of the common Man), the mouthpiece of CPI(M). My imminent reflex was to buy one. Not to know what the polit-bureau was trying to voice, but much to help out the desolated boy in his living. I was browsing through the pages randomly, like a kid. All that caught my eyes were pictures of a Golden Bengal, the best state-of-art infrastructure, Dreams. I imagined, how long can people keep their eyes shut to an imminent disaster.

Ganashakti is not a newspaper, its the voice of CPI(M). Any News which is biased or seen through colored glasses is not good to cater. It creates misimpression in minds of the public. And thats what the modus operandi of "Ganashakti" is. Its intended to cripple the minds of CPM cadres who would not be left with the power to think anymore and make themselves available at the beck and call of their Big Ducks. In every page, you will come across news from the CPI(M) fortress properly picked, pickled and spiced up to portray the "Messiah" and "Philanthropist" image of CPI(M), which is a far cry. CPI(M), these days is reduced to a ruthless exploiter who can do anything to meet their selfish needs, and that's what the grim reality is. They have made the population so much crippled with their 26 years of rape of democracy, that no-one has the fist to fight and revolt. The philosophy of Communism which started off with Jyoti Basu taking oath as the Chief Minister, died in a few years and all the steps taken by the CPI(M) government to exercise democracy has only curbed industrial growth and fostered local goons within the cadre fraternity. CPI(M), is far from a sweet dream anymore. They are a nightmare, a barrier in the path of modern Bengal.

If i had to rename Ganashakti, i would happily do it as "Ganashatru" (The enemy of the common Man)
The devil has ruled Bengal for over 26 years now. Intellectuals everywhere have been left stunned about the stagnant mind of Bengalis. Have we compromised with such kind of a living. Or are we all Dead?

--CPI(M) is the Communist party of India, Marxist. They are provincial to the states of West Bengal and Kerala. In West Bengal, they came in to power in 1977, and has remained undefeated till now. The author does not have a bias for any political party.